It's like I take a nap and then two months pass by. So this is middle age, huh? I barely remember April and now May is pretty much over. At least it's warmer now.

I started this post about a month ago and bailed on it halfway because even I can't bare to read about my boring life. Stuff has happened for sure but I really have to focus to remember any of it. Last week I went to my friend's birthday party. A week before that I was sick as a dog with Norovirus. Before that, I think there was Vappu? I actually saw another friend then as well I think? I remember her mom was comically bleak about the prospect of nuclear war: "if the nukes start coming down, I hope I just get vaporized. Living in a post-apocalyptic world eating scraps sounds horrible." :D :D :D

I was able to finish the first season of Millennium with my girlfriend and now we're on season 2. Season 2 is when the show really gets into the Group and how it functions, what it believes in and what it wants. It's the first time we see the notorious Millennium ouroboros computer background with the eerie countdown... "There are 824 days remaining". I was inspired by this and wrote a batch script that emulates the Millennium background but counts down to the Epocholypse. There are a lot of days left before it hits, so no need to worry. I like that feeling of something coming up, something that getting built up toward, even if that thing is extremely bleak like the end of the world. Memento mori or whatever.

During my bleakest moments with Norovirus, I began to reflect on human nature and how in every person there is this deep sense of awe for bullies, for people who flaunt rules and don't really care for others. I was reading news stories about that Elon Musk merger and how he's going to try to chickenshit his way out of it just because he can. He engages in pretty textbook market manipulation but no one stands in the way, no one dares. He wields the invisible power of the bully and no one is going to stop him. The toxic power of the bully is all over the place: Putin starting wars, the pettiness of people making each others lives difficult just because they can, people not getting their fair share. When I was feeling my weakest, it became so clear to me that really there is only power. Any person when they come into contact with power keep hold of it at any cost. When I constantly remind myself of this, people are unable to surprise me anymore. I can disassociate from all of this horrible news I read and it becomes no more upsetting than reading the sports pages. I know it sounds pretty bad, but I was feeling really sick and my mind went to some dark places.

One semi-useful thing I was part of this last month was a Speakeasy event the EFF held. It was a members-only event where they were talking about legislation proposals in the EU that could have serious privacy concerns. I won't go into it further but here is the video of the event and a few links about some of the topics covered. Now that it feels like every day we are getting closer to something like a Biblical apocalypse, my faith that the Grand Narrative of history is constantly moving to a safer and more free world has been totally shattered. If we don't fight tooth and nail for even the most basic privacy rights, we are going to march right into the fucking Panopticon, if we haven't already.

Video of the Event on YouTube
The EU's Copyright Directive Is Still About Filters, But EU’s Top Court Limits Its Use
The EU Commission’s New Proposal Would Undermine Encryption And Scan Our Messages

This dark mood I've been in has been leading me to read stuff about the cypherpunk movement like This Machine Kills Secrets. I'm not too far but it really makes me feel some hope for the future. People taking back control of their lives and their privacy, doing something about all of this... bleakness.

"Cypherpunks write code."

God, enough of this. Maybe it's just a good thing I don't write that much anymore. Once I give myself a chance to put something down on the keyboard I just start pouring out the darkness. I should stick to just playing Minecraft from now on.